Codependency is a common problem in relationships, both romantic and platonic, and recognizing the warning signs is critical. Read on to learn why codependency happens, the root of codependency, and what you can do to stop it from happening in your relationships.
What Is Codependency?
“Codependency” is an extreme reliance on a partner, whether emotional or psychological. This reliance may develop as a result of support needed due to an illness or addiction, a traumatic experience, or a mental health condition. There’s rarely malintent behind codependent relationships. On the contrary, it’s too much consideration for others.
Regardless of the cause, codependency is an easy trap for some people to fall into, and it is bad for both parties in a relationship. The person who focuses and worries after the other person can begin to feel resentment toward that person and actually start to influence their behavior negatively. Meanwhile, if you control the other person too much, they may become dependent on you for even more.
That’s why it’s important to recognize when you’re in a codependent relationship, and what to do about it once you’ve fallen into that pattern.
How Do I Know If I’m in a Codependent Relationship?
We all want our partners and family to be happy, but when it becomes our obsession, things change. Obviously, you want to be there for your romantic partner, so it’s not hard to imagine things going too far.
However, if you find yourself putting more work in than the other person and prioritizing them over yourself, or you realize you’re trying to control your partner or family member’s life, or steer them in certain directions, you are in a codependent relationship. The opposite of this can be true as well, if you recognize these signs in your partner, friend, or family member in relation to yourself.
Other signs of codependency are even more obvious. If your mood is always impacted directly by the mood of the other person in the relationship, that is codependency. It’s normal for our behaviors to be informed by others, but when you’re anticipating their moods and letting them affect your own mood, it’s too much.
What Causes Codependency?
The root of codependency isn’t universal. There are a lot of things that can lead to codependency developing in a relationship, and it’s not a trend that people follow in every single relationship. You may have a codependent relationship with one or many people and a perfectly average relationship with countless others.
One major influence on codependent relationships is a person’s early life. Dysfunctional families or childhood trauma often result in codependent adults, as children who are neglected or abused turn to external validation. Rather than looking inward for proof of self-worth, it needs to be derived from acts of service or praise from others. This can lead to a pattern of relationships where a person values the other person far above themselves, and it can breed resentment and further dysfunction.
This isn’t to say that all codependent relationships are the result of childhood issues like abuse, neglect, or even overprotective parenting. Codependency can also be caused by addiction or mental illness later in life that lead to a fear of abandonment or rejection, low self-esteem and the resulting need for validation through caretaking, or codependency as a coping mechanism.
No matter the cause, it’s not right to assign blame. Codependency happens naturally for some people, and many people involved in either side of codependency don’t know that it’s happening.
What Can You Do about Codependency?
Recognizing the patterns of codependency, and the harmful thoughts and behaviors you’re experiencing, can greatly help you overcome the issue of codependency. Now that you know what to look for, you can begin to work on righting the issues in your codependent relationship.
Communicate with Your Partner
To start, work on making sure your feelings are known, and your input is valued by your partner or loved one. It can be difficult asserting yourself at first, and there can be discomfort related to this change, but it’s critical. It’s not healthy to keep a codependent relationship going because it’s easier.
Set Boundaries
If you’re in a codependent, control-focused relationship, setting healthy boundaries is important. Don’t help make decisions for people when things don’t directly involve you. You can, of course, give advice, but if it’s too hard to do without also trying to influence behavior, you need to get hands-off right away.
Take a Step Back
Don’t try to fix people, because it only leads to heartbreak for both parties. It’s okay to take a step back and give the other person space to work through their own struggles without your input or control.
Seek Professional Help
There’s a lot more a person can do about codependency, and therapy is a great place to start. Recognizing patterns is great, but it’s not always easy to do on your own. Talking with a neutral third party (a therapist) can help you recognize harmful thoughts and behaviors, and a counselor can give you practical advice for making positive change.
Help for Codependency Is Possible
Codependent relationships aren’t doomed to fail, but they aren’t rewarding for either person, and they can lead to a lot of unfulfilled needs and all sorts of emotional damage. Know that it’s not too late to right the mistakes you’ve made. Ready to start addressing the codependent issues in your relationship? Give us a call at SOL Mental Health today for a consultation.
