*Clinical review by Dr. Arpan Parik
The holiday season is a time of joy, festivity, and days spent with loved ones. But, what happens when the person we love has passed on, and suddenly the holidays don’t feel so festive anymore? What should be a couple of months of togetherness are now filled with sadness, and the thought of celebrating feels impossible and perhaps even like a betrayal to the one we lost.
However, grieving doesn’t mean that life stops, and as the holidays draw closer, you may find yourself wondering how to cope during such a difficult time. While there are no universal guidelines for mourning, we hope these tips will help when dealing with grief during the holidays.
Grieving and the Holiday Season
This year, don’t just “get through” the holidays. Learn ways to navigate the grieving process while not only enjoying the season but also celebrating your departed loved one and incorporating them into the festivities.
Let Yourself Feel
In times of overwhelming grief, we’re often tempted to lock away painful feelings so as not to burden others or to avoid facing the loss head-on. It’s important to express your feelings to friends and family, and to let yourself to feel that grief along with the positive emotions we experience during the holidays – joy in seeing loved ones, happiness over a new gift – and remember that being happy doesn’t mean you are forgetting your loved one.
Share Your Favorite Memories
Just as it’s important to let yourself feel, it’s also helpful to talk about the person you lost. After all, they are a part of you and the life you have built. Make them part of the conversation, from sharing fond memories to including their name in prayers before meals.
Create a New Tradition Honoring Love & Loss
After losing a loved one, it’s normal to internalize that grief as we learn to live with our new normal. During the holidays, though, try externalizing it as well – give loss a tangible way to be recognized and honored. For some, this might be incorporating an extra step in an existing routine. For others, it could be creating a new tradition altogether separate from the memories of a past ritual. Ways to externalize may include:
- Sharing fun stories about a loved one at an established time
- Lighting a candle on the mantle or at the dinner table
- Saying a special prayer before holiday meals or having a moment of silence
- Setting aside an empty yet decorated chair or table setting at family gatherings
- Visiting memorial sites each holiday season
- Assigning important tasks, such as putting on the tree topper or carving the turkey, to a new person
- Cooking a loved one’s favorite meal for the family to enjoy
Surround Yourself with Support
Whether you’re sticking to long-standing traditions or making new ones, celebrate them with the people who give you comfort, let you share your feelings, and encourage you to be your best self. It’s important not to isolate yourself, but rather to allow those who love you to be part of your support system. If more support is needed, consider reaching out to a mental health professional, who may offer care options like grief counseling and individual or group therapy.
Do What’s Best for You
Those in our support system always mean well, but you may find their encouragements and invitations overwhelming. Remember that you don’t have to accept every invite, attend every dinner, or even answer every text in a timely manner – but make sure not to isolate yourself entirely. Make the plans that you feel ready to handle, set firm boundaries on what you’re willing to do during the holidays, eliminate unnecessary stressors, and set realistic expectations with yourself. It’s all about balance!
Know Your Limits
The holidays are a chaotic time, and grief unfortunately often leaves us feeling exhausted. Doing what’s best for you means recognizing when your body is telling you it’s time to slow down, and when it’s time to go out and have fun. Your limit is there for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong with looking out for your body’s needs during difficult months.
Practice Self-Care
When grief is weighing you down, look to positive self-care techniques for a boost. This could mean writing in a journal for a few minutes every day, taking a candlelit bubble bath, going for a run, watching a favorite movie, making a donation to a charity in your loved one’s honor, or giving yourself permission to finally indulge in that frivolous purchase you’ve been eyeing. Self-care isn’t selfish, but necessary as part of the grieving process.
Practice the 3 Cs of Grief
Now that you have tips for facing the holiday season, let’s take a look at an overarching approach to dealing with grief. The 3 Cs of Grief is a valuable tool in identifying your feelings and moving forward:
Choose
Death often feels like it takes our sense of control with it. We’ve lost a loved one and had no choice – to accept the loss, to deal with the grief, to find a way forward. It can be hard to see clearly through the sorrow, and to realize that you do still have control in how you grieve. You choose what is best for you, whether that is surrounding yourself with friends, taking a long vacation to process your emotions, starting new traditions, or finding help from a mental health professional.
Connect
“I know how you feel.” It’s a common saying that, while well-meaning, can make us feel even more alone in times of grief. Even if someone has experienced a loss and gone through the grieving process, our emotions are still our own, so loss can feel extremely isolating. That’s why it’s so important to connect with loved ones still here and let them share in the process, to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for venting, or to simply sit silently next to you as you go through the motions. It may also help to connect with others going through their own mourning process to provide support to one another. Connection keeps us grounded in life.
Communicate
When you’re ready, communicating your thoughts, expressing your needs, and sharing your ideas for navigating the holiday and other seasons are important milestones to the grieving process. This may be an uncomfortable and difficult step, but is vital in taking the next step as you heal. Honesty and openness are important steps as you begin to rebuild.
Helping You Heal during the Holidays
As the holidays rapidly approach, take care of yourself and focus on grieving in the way that suits your needs. This means taking stock of your physical and mental health, being patient with yourself, allowing friends or family to be there for you, and knowing when you may need additional help.
The team at SOL Mental Health is here if you need that guidance. We listen to your needs, help you heal at your own pace, and remind you that you’re never alone in the mourning process. Reach out today for support when you need it most.
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Resources:
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
Vitas Healthcare
Grief & The Holidays
Grief.com
Practicing the 3 C’s of Grief: Choose, Connect, Communicate
Hope During Loss
